Monday, June 6, 2011
I've decided to journal my way through hidden joy bible study. I have no idea what to do so I'll write what i feel and hope I am able to help and encourage others by my transparency. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, my mother's suicide, other traumatic events and finally over 13yrs of being emotionally,mentally and physically abused by my husband. I have lived in a prison of fear my entire life. I have been in counseling now for over two years learning how to live again. The only reason I am alive right now is because God has a reason for it. My sanity and everything I have is because of God. I have totally fallen in love with Jesus and he is the only thing bringing me through this. Yes I can say Jesus Saves! Two years ago I didn't know who I was and He pulled me out of black pit. Now he is restoring me, my family, my husband and my children. Thats enough of my history, now back to the bible study and why I actually started this blog. Chapter 1 was difficult but since I was in my counselors office it was perfect timing. What upset me so much was how horrified I was at her experience and the trauma of the rape but when I remembered when I was raped -no emotion, like I deserved it. In fact I didn't even count it as one of the most horrible things to ever happen to me. Trust and fear are the two big ones for me. Jesus please please help me trust you and take this fear way!